Thursday, November 28, 2013

The Thanksgiving Day Snark

Anyone up for an appetizer of Snark before the big turkey dinner?
Let's get on with the news then:

1. Mila Kunis - The actress was spotted doing a little grocery shopping with Aston Kutcher's mom while news of his divorce from Demi Moore becoming final was spreading. Poor mom may have had more fun with Demi, as we all know it's easier to hang out with someone your own age.

2. Laura Prepon - Mila's costar from "That 70's Show" is rumored  to be the latest love interest for Tom Cruise. Not sure why this story made me wonder why it is gay guys are always friends with hot girls.

3. Black Friday Ads - The biggest shopping day of the year is right around the corner and all the major stores have their sales ads up and running. You have to love the free chiropractic service that Walmart is offering to the first shopper to be trampled when the doors open.

4. All-Inclusive Resorts - It's not just electronics that are on offer for Black Friday, as Club Med are offering deals to their resorts for Black Friday shoppers. This sounds like a great way to relax and get your dignity back after head-butting a single mother of 4 so that you could get that last $5 cashmere sweater.

5. Hayden Panettire - The diminutive actress has admitted that she received a Brazilian wax while preparing for the Ellen DeGeneres show. Is it any wonder she came off so smooth during her interview with Ellen?

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Trending News Stories, Oct 23, 2013

I've decided to do away with the "Top #" aspect of the Snark so that I can focus on the news stories that catch my eye, rather than trying to force a joke into something that isn't there. I will still number the selections for those of you who like that sort of thing, but there may even be days where a single news item appears and I set off on a real rant.
Let's get to today's news:

1. Lindsey Vonn- It's bad news for skiing fans with Vonn announcing that she is not yet recovered enough to take part in the opening event of the season. Boyfriend Tiger Woods has been a big help, since he seems committed to a downhill lifestyle since his last run in with a hot blonde.

2. Duck Dynasty Scarecrow - A teenager in Georgia has been arrested in connection with the theft and burning of a full-size Duck Dynasty scarecrow. Apparently good taste is now illegal in my home state.

3. Fired Waitress Hair - A former Hooter's waitress is fighting back by filing a wrongul dismissal suit against the chain after she claim she was fired for putting highlights in her hair. In fairness to Hooters, the patrons were put off by her dayglow pubes.

4. Marg Helgenberger - The actress is returning to CSI as part of the celebrations for the milestone 300th episode. The CSI team will study her hair to see who killed her career after her exit.

5. Julianne Moore - The 52-year old actress spoke to Health magazine about her latest movie an what she does in order to maintain her beautiful figure. Since Mrs Snark could actually pass as her sister, let me just say that whatever Miss Moore is doing is working, as she is a stunningly beautiful woman who possesses a level of grace and beauty that simply cannot be matched by any other female on the planet, and that how she is able to put up with her fat troll of a husband, whose writing skills are iffy at best and who looks as good naked as that Duck Dynasty scarecrow, and who.........give me a head's up, guys, is she still reading?

6. Gavin MacLeod - Best known for his role as TV's Captain Stubing on The Love Boat, the beloved actor is finally releasing a memoir that chronicles all of his acting accomplishments. The book has a single chapter titled, The Love Boat.

Monday, October 21, 2013

Top 8 Trending News Stories, Oct 21, 2013

Finally, a top news story that is sure to delight Mrs Snark. Please don't get the idea that she is a big fan of Tim Tebow. It has more to do with the fact that she is a Georgia Bulldogs fan with a burning hatred for the Florida Gators. The picture I have chosen should score me some major brownie points.
Now on with today's news:

1. Tim Tebow - After losing QB Sam Bradford for the season, there is speculation that the St. Louis Rams might be looking at Tebow as a replacement. The Rams are a perfect fot for a man with so many sheep in his flock.

2. Kourtney Kardashian - Kim's sister has announced a new fashion partnership with a company called Lipsy. Expect the name to change to Hipsy after the first photo shoot.

3. Celia Cruz - The Queen of Salsa is the latest figure to be honored by Google with a doodle at the top of their search engine page. The bad news is that there was some confusion as the image features Miss Cruz beside a giant bowl of Tostito's.

4. Lionfish Invasion - The Atlantic Ocean has become a rather unsafe places to be, as swarms of the venomous-spine fish are flooding into the waters. Siegfried & Roy have donned sequined scuba gear and gone underwater in an attempt to tame them.

5. Hurricane Raymond - The storm is picking up speed and has been upgraded to category 3 as it approaches Mexico's Pacific coast. Mexican television is canceling all Spanish language versions of "Everybody Love's Raymond" until the storm has passed.

6. Casey Kasem - As the longtime radio host lies in ill health, lawsuits rage on as his children try to see him after being banned from the home by his wife. As it stands, the kids can only contact him via long distance dedications.

7. Carol Burnett - The veteran funny lady has received the prestigious Mark Twain Prize for American Humor. The Daily Snark was snubbed by the horrible xenophobes at that committee who don't like the fact that I am Scottish.

8. Broncos Colts Game - It was out with the old and in with the new as the Indianapolis Colts handed former hero Peyton Manning his first loss of the season with the Denver Broncos. Judging by pictures, this doesn't look as though its the first time Peyton has fallen flat on his face.

Sunday, October 20, 2013

Top 10 Trending News Stories, Oct 20, 2013

Much to the chagrin of Mrs. Snark, it appears that every day has a female celebrity of one kind or another appearing at the top of the list. I cannot be held responsible for this, but I also can't go around wishing for big news on the Susan Boyle front so that the image that appears is of a less desirable nature.
Now on with today's news:

1. Jamie-Lynn Sigler - The former Soprano's star appeared in Us magazine alongside her fiance, baseball star Cutter Dykstra and their baby boy Beau. The couple don't believe in spanking, so expect Cutter to dome up with the baseball world's longest no-hitter.

2. Brock Lesnar - The UFC star claims that he want's to get dual citizenship and take up residence in Sakatchewan, Canada. The main industry in the province will go from being wheat to canned whoop ass in a matter of months.

3. Maksim Chmerkovsky - The Dancing with the Stars hunk has confirmed that he is in a relationship with SI model Kate Upton. If this causes Kate to cover up her assets, guys ,made need to switch to pants with more ballroom.

4. Osama Bin Laden - The US is once again offering aid to Pakistan, despite the fact that the leaders of the country allegedly knew where Bin Laden was holed up. I'm all about second chances, but this one stinks as bad as a burnt curry served up in a used Depends diaper.

5. Princess Diana - A new book about the late Princess is full of wild claims and conspiracy theories, including one that says her ill-fated car may have been "tampered with." Elvis and JFK refused to comment on that possibility when questioned at the secret private island where they both reside.

6. Susan Sarandon - The new TV season is just under way and already NBC is struggling to compete, which is why they have greenlit a new sitcom starring Susan Sarandon. There is nothing quite like getting a fresh new face in to boost ratings, Betty White said when asked about the move.

7. Adele - The singing sensation passed her driving test last week, and all without the tester recognizing who she was. With TV camera's rolling and photographers snapping, the tester assumed Adele was from Undercover Boss, which is why he spent the entire test talking about how he cared for his sick Grandma.

8. NASCAR Talladega - The big race goes today, with  millions expected to tune in to see who gets the checkered flag. My money is on the guy with the sideburns and southern accent.

9. Katy Perry - The reigning queen of pop has announced that she has signed a deal to be the new face of Cover Girls. Pretty girls everywhere cheered at the announcement, as it once again proves that you can be successful with nothing more than a big rack and great make-up job, talent be damned.

10. Anna Nordqvist -  The Swedish female golfer is tied for top spot at a tournament in Korea with Katherine Hull-Kirk. The excitement of the event has even resonated through men's golf, with Tiger Woods claiming that he is very much looking forward to see the two ladies really go at it.

Thursday, October 17, 2013

Top 8 Trending News Stories, Oct 17, 2013

Welcome to another edition of The Daily Snark. It's wet and nasty here in my part of the world, and the weather isn't great either.
On with a condensed version of today's news:

1. Soleil Moon Frye - The "Punky Brewster"star went on to The View to announce that she is pregnant with a baby boy. The little lad is expected to be named Asian Stir.

2. Timbaland Divorce - The music man's wife has filed for divorce and apparently has a huge list of demands. She is not expected to get his talent, which was obviously taken during a previous break-up in middle school.

3. Saber-Toothed Whale - The rare beast caused a stir when it washed up on Venice Beach in California. The dentally challenged beast is believed to belong to the Bee Gee's species of animal.

4. Kenan Thompson - The SNL cast member is refusing to do any sketches in drag until a black female cast member is hired. Producer Lorne Michaels is apparently looking at Madea to fill that role.

5. Oregon Ducks - The college football team, known as much for their snazzy uniforms as their play on the field, will be wearing pink helmets this week in support of Breast Cancer Awareness Month. The promise of a pink helmet is sure to boost the number of gay men in attendance this coming weekend.

6. Yeti Bear - DNA has revealed that the Yeti might be real, but instead of being the magical beast that many believe, it has more in common with an ancient type of polar bear. DNA taken from Jerry Sandusky revealed links to Pedo Bear.

7. 50 Shades - Now that Charlie Hunnam has dropped out of the role of Christopher Grey, the race is on to find the new lead man. I'd throw my hat into the ring, but my only experience with the bondage scene was being hung on a fence by my knickers back in my school days.

8. Epinephrine - A recent scare caused by a wasp sting on a young child in school has led officials in a number of states to look at enacting a law that makes sure the drug is readily available in schools. This will be in the form of a trade-in, where kids hand over their real pens in exchange for an EpiPen.

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Top 10 Trending News Stories Oct 16, 2013

I have been a bad boy again and haven't been posting every day as promised. I hope you can all find it in your heart's to forgive my.....Hahahaha....sorry, I just couldn't maintain that level of sincerity.
Here's today's news, bitches:

1. Erin Andrews - The sports and Twitter world is abuzz with the news that the blond sportcaster confused Justin Verlander with Justin Bieber during a live on-air interview. In response, Verlander spit on his fans and pissed in the tobacco chew mop bucket.

2. Mischa Barton - The former star of "The O.C." has admitted that she had a total nervous breakdown when faced with instant fame. There is no word on how she dealt with falling of the face of the Earth after the show was cancelled.

3. Hall and Oates - The musical duo is among a number of artists in the running to be added to the Rock 'n' Roll Hall of Fame. John Oates' mustache was last seen cavorting with Mike Piazza's facial hair at the 70's Porn Star Mustache Hall of Fame.

4. LAX Police Arrest - A baggage handler at the Los Angeles airport has been arrested in connection with a series of dry ice bomb explosions that caused panic and fear. The only people not alarmed by the smoky pyrotechnics were the members of Kiss, who donned the face paint and used the Starbucks counter as a stage amidst the fumes.

5. Oreo Addictive - Researchers have proven that Oreo cookies are as addictive as cocaine to lab rats. To test that theory, I am discarding the usual milk dunking process in favor grinding up an Oreo and snorting it through one of the new $100 bills.

6. Katie Holmes - The actress turned fashion designer is receiving rave reviews for her new line of duds from the likes of Rihanna. The clothing features a camouflaged tracking chip to help members of the Church of Scientology keep an eye on the movements of their loved ones.

7. Jon Cryer - The "Two and a Half Men" star, as well as his partner, Ashton Kutcher, are among the highest paid men on national television. No, that's not the punchline, it's the actual new story.

8. Cara Delevingne - The rail thin model was caught eating a meal from McDonalds in between getting snapped at a DKNY photo shoot. She allegedly super sized the finger she shoved down her throat moments after finishing the meal.

9. San Jose Sharks - The NHL is still in its very early stages, but the upstart Sharks remain unbeaten at a perfect 6-0. If anyone wants to beat this team, they are going to have to get a bigger boat.

10. Apple Spaceship Campus - The Cupertino City Council in California has given Apple the go ahead to start building a spaceship shaped building in the area. There are already 6,000 people in line to be first to see the groundbreaking.

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Top 10 Trending News Stories, Oct 9, 2013

It's with a heavy heart that I write today's edition of The Daily Snark. I have just heard about the Bruce and Kris Jenner split. I'm concerned that Bruce will have to give up half his assets, although I'm not sure what Kris would do with  plastic nose and cheekbone.
Now, let's get to the news:

1. Tish Cyrus - Miley's mom did a little mimicking by posing for a picture using her daughter's stuck out tongue face. Billy Ray also copied his daughter by continuing to release shit music.

2. Suzanne Somers - The 66-year old actress has revealed that she and her 77 year old husband have sex at least twice per day. I'm trying to keep up and had sex almost every day last week....almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday.....

3. Sons Of Anarchy - Fans of the biker show are still in shock after the explosive last episode that aired over the weekend. It was so violent, members of SAMCRO were forced to "man hug it out" using any spare arms they could find lying around.

4. 47 Ronin - The trailer for the new samurai fantasy film starring Keanu Reeves has officially been released. Given Keanu's stunning lack of acting chops, just think of this as Bill & Ted's Curvy Sword Adventure.

5. Passenger Lands Plane - After a pilot became gravely ill and unable to fly, a passenger was forced into the cockpit where he was instructed on how to safely land the plane. The instructors who helped the man pilot the craft are requesting anonymity by asking that we don't call them Shirley.

6. Dianna Agron - The former cast member of Glee says that she is still friendly with the other members of the cast, despite rumors to the contrary. Thinking of this glorious group in a feud makes me throw my jazz hands up in horror.

7. Connie Britton - The actress is laying the blame of a lack of a new "Friday Night Lights" movie at the feet of her former co-star, Kyle Chandler. By the times this thing gets made the kids in the TV show will already be drawing a pension from the NFL.

8. Pipeline Explosion - Massive flames shot high into the Oklahoma sky as a pipeline exploded yesterday. It is believed the gas used to fuel Suzanne Somers' husbands penis was in transit at the time it blew.

9. Sprite Hangover Cure - Researchers are saying that Sprite may very well be the perfect hangover cure after a night on the sauce. They are now looking into 7-Up for erectile dysfunction.

10. iPad Rumors - There is a lot of talk that October 22nd will be that day that Apple reveals new details about the next generation iPad. The talk is that this one will be even shinier than the last...get in line now, sheep!!